Up and down, up and down

Sometimes i feel fine and like things are starting to pick up and then sometimes i think about how bad everything is. Right now, i can't stop thinking about how bad things are, but this morning i was feeling really good! I'm supposed to be going out for a christmas meal in like an hour with all of my family. I really don't want to go, the fact its like half an hour away and hate travelling isn't helping. Also the fact that my friends party is tonight and i'm missing half of that isn't helping. But then i'm nervous for that aswell! I think i'm starting to get a bit of social anxiety :(

It really gets to me when people moan about the littlest things! Like if you want a mcdonalds and you can't have one or the fact you have school the next day! I hate it, because i actually want to be able to go to sixth form and do work but i can't and most of the time i manage to slap a smile on my face and i think, if i can so can you! I think i'm just feeling sorry for myself at the moment.
I used to feel sorry for myself all the time, and now its turned to like anger and frustration because i don't know how to help myself anymore. It also annoys me when my close family mope around because of the way i am and because i wan't able to do something. I think to myself, get a grip its me that it's happening to, it's me that suffering so moping round making me feel guilty isn't going to help. I know they only care and blah blah blah but its annoying!

Sometimes i wish i could just get away, and i part of me wishes i never told them in the first place. All i ever feel is guilty when i can tell their stressed. I would love to just do this on my own, i wish they would let me deal with it in my own way. I'm sick of them constantly telling me what would be best for me when they haven't a clue. No one will unless they've went through exactly what i have. I'm so fed up at the moment. Life is hard. Have a great night everyone!

Same old

Today has been the same as yesterday. Had a panic attack so didn't make it to sixth form. Then I was frustrated because i didn't go. So i sat around all day eating, watching Bondi Rescue and making the occasional cake. Fun. I feel a bit more upbeat at the moment, i don't know why or how :') Tomorrow i have a parents evening, which will be awkward as I'm probably failing psychology as i haven't been to a lesson for over a month. Damn! I'm hoping that i can catch up pretty quick because (not to be big headed) I'm quite smart. I am worried about tomorrow because i think I'll find out if i can still do psychology. I'm pretty gutted all of this illness crap came around because I was expected high grades in my a levels! But i tell myself, i will get to where i want to be, it just might take a bit longer! 

All i want to do is be in Australia! It's became an obsession, i just keep thinking how things would be diffferent in Australia! I might still have the illness but at least i could go for a walk and clear my head without being scared. The peace would also be grand, around here it feels like chaos all the time. Don't really know what else to write because at the moment it feels like, the same old shit, just a different day! 

I'm getting a little bit excited for Christmas now! I like the whole family atmosphere, not just the presents. I also haven't bought a single Christmas present for anyone yet, hopefully I'm going shopping tomorrow to get some, it just depends if i get there! 

Well I'm of to do a little jog and a bike ride, in my bedroom! :( 

night all

Bondi Rescue!

Well, I started watching Bondi Rescue a couple of months ago and somehow it's helped me get motivated! It looks like a wonderful place and the boys in blue make the program! I've decided that I WILL move to Bondi as soon as possible. My plan is to get back on track with my education and become a midwife or a nurse (always wanted to do this). Hopefully then move to Australia when my health gets a bit better. I feel like right now i could do with being in Australia, life where i live isn't all that bad but it certainly doesn't help my anxiety! I need somewhere peaceful and somewhere i suppose i feel safe. I live in England, on an estate, which to be honest isn't that safe to walk around by yourself at night. I also have a new found love of running and i would love to be able to go on a jog i the evening, have some time to myself and clear my head. Exercise also makes me feel heaps better. But unfortunately its not safe! Instead i exercise in my house. I'd love to be able to just go for a run along the beach and feel comfortable. I am far too jealous of people that live in Bondi. Then reality hits and i realise that i probably will never be able to move there. First of all, i wouldn't have the confidence to move there on my own and i certainly wouldn't be able to afford it any time soon! By the time i would be able to afford it and maybe have the confidence, I would probably be settled in a job and daily life! For now i'm going to just believe it will happen, you never know what life will bring! Sorry if this made no sense!
This is a video i found on youtube, kind of shows you a bit about Bondi Rescue!

What's going wrong!

Honestly, i wouldn't mind just having the normal worries of a 16 year old! But instead i have to deal with a bunch of other things. Not going into detail but basically i have IBS and an anxiety disorder. If someone told me they had that i probably wouldn't think much of it because IBS is common and everyone gets a bit of anxiety in their life. It's frustrating because when i'm anxious my IBS symptoms are worse but when my IBS symptoms are bad that's when i get anxiety! Vicious circle! I'm on some tablets to try and slow my heart down, which is hopefully calming me down and I'm also on some tablets for the IBS. I go to see a counselor who is trying to teach me breathing techniques and change the way i think about things, which is helping but at the moment.
I started sixth form in September doing 3 subjects at a level and then i dropped biology in October, health and social care in November and now I'm not even sure if i can still do psychology because my attendance is soo bad! I hate it because i actually want to be there but I'm either ill with the IBS or i have a panic attack! But my friends and family are amazing!!! ta ta for now.